Brace yourselves, whining is coming. This post is not about one thing in particular, it’s about everything in general. Because everything in general is what my boys are wrecking today. Well, pretty much every day. Does it ever really stop? Maybe it’s because I’m at the absolute pinnacle of boy carnage, with sons 9, 6, and 6 blasting me with 114% effort daily. Maybe my boys, as my exasperated wife told me on the phone today, “…have no brain. They were born without a brain.” Maybe they’re just horrible and none of your boys behave this way. But I really doubt it.
Things I have seen today:
- Two boys full blown wrestling on the floor of their room, in school clothes, zero socks or shoes or belts or hair combed, exactly 60 seconds before the deadline to leave the driveway for school
- One boy eating his little sister’s chicken noodle soup. With his hands.
- Two boys using the pogo stick ON THE TRAMPOLINE to make “world record jumps.”
- One boy rolling down the window and draping himself out of it to yell at friends who were actually smart enough to exit their car upon arrival at school drop off
- Blue gel toothpaste in 4 places all over a 3-foot radius of the bathroom wall by the light switch
- At least a gallon of water all over the bathroom floor after bath time, the rest of the water left standing in the tub
- A secret stash of those little paper daisy cups, soaked into soggy oblivion, stacked 6 deep behind the bathroom door along with piles of soaked toilet paper and some random ripped up candy wrapper
- Three boys, jumping on the trampoline until their heads poked over the fence every time, then yelling “POO POO” repeatedly across the street at neighbor kids
- A box fan left running full speed in a bedroom with all lights on and nobody in it. The fan is on its face, blasting air directly into the carpet.
Again, this is just today. I don’t even have the energy to begin recapping the entire week, with its un-piloted bicycles being missile-launched down the hill while one boy grabbed crotch and potty danced in the middle of the street; its twin 6-year-olds who, when I turned my eyes away for 30 seconds in the home improvement store, found the security camera monitor and began poking their hineys at it then hysterically laughing; or its epic battles that somehow turned 100 simple water balloons into 4,228 latex shreds all over my yard.
Yes, I am aware of all of the realities of my life. Of the reasons to be thankful for kids that are healthy. Kids that are smart. Kids that are alive. And I am. But this funny blog is not my forum for that sentiment. This blog is my channel for venting the last wisps of my sanity in a feeble attempt to turn total household destruction into something humorous. For asking the critical question that I’m assuming at least several others with boys 9, 6 and 6 are asking, which is WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON HERE AND WHEN IS IT SCHEDULED TO COME TO AN END???
My wife and I are gonna just take a vacation from boys for just a few days. We’ll call it the “Three Days of Sanity” tour. WHO IS WITH ME???
Note: I wrote this post last night. In a blatant attempt to prescribe guilt to me, both twin boys presented themselves entirely dressed with hair combed a full five minutes before scheduled departure this morning. While I heaped ridiculous amounts of praise on both of them with my usual hope that somehow this will convince them to continue the good behavior, Nicholas responds with, “I did it for you, dad.”
As one of my father’s favorite sayings from my childhood goes, “Miracles do happen.”