You know the drill. Nothing even comes close to boys in the gross department. Well, of course there are many things in the world that are worse, but I’m talking about regular daily occurrences that most of us are forced to face on a routine basis. Boys are foul. The stuff boys do is so gross that I am required to split this category into different sections. I’ve already planned writings on gross stuff boys drink and touch — I could actually do multiple chapters on each of them. Totally that much material. Totally that much grossness.
But at the top of the nasty list is the stuff boys put in their mouth. Ewww. They must be crazy hungry, because boys are eating everything. Stuff that falls on the floor under the table, to be found later? Please. This isn’t anywhere remotely near something boys would worry about. To a boy, food found on the kitchen floor is EXACTLY IDENTICAL to food on a steaming hot entree immaculately placed before them by Emeril Lagasse. If your boys were actually watching Emeril Lagasse do a cooking show they wouldn’t even be watching, they’d be crawling around down under the counter, scoping out scraps.
“Heeyy, found a chunk of plantain from last week’s episode!!”
Snack time. BAM!!
Boys put things in their mouth without a care in the world. Stale, rotten, dirty, sticky, dried up things. Doesn’t matter. If it’s vaguely a food-like item, or used to be one, it’s fair game. Once at Dairy Queen I noticed four-year-old Nicholas was eating right through the paper wrapper on his cone. Reaching over and taking it from his hand, I said “Yuk dude, you’re eating the paper!” Nicholas reached into his mouth, pulled out a big hunk of paper, inspected for a moment, then calmly shoved it right back in there.
Then he just stared at me, chewing.
Like, “What? Still had ice cream on it, man.”
It starts out early, of course. Every baby begins their exploration of the known world by putting all nearby surroundings into their mouth, but boys are especially brave. My wife watched baby Nathan crawling around and chewing on some hunk of something one day only to fish it out of his mouth and discover it was a spider. Just a dried up, legs all curled in a ball spider.
Eatin’ a spider.
I haven’t told him about it yet. I’m saving it for some night ten years from now when his girlfriend is over and he has a mouthful of pizza rolls. Should be awesome.
Things get slightly more logical as boys grow older, but still remain amazingly icky. The best “eating gross stuff” moment I’ve seen recently didn’t even come from one of my boys, it came from one of their friends, Tucker. (You can see him here, on a previous Photo Friday.) After enjoying an overnight camp-out, we were fishing for catfish on a warm October day. Hot dogs make perfect bait for catfish, and I had a few left over from the previous night’s dinner. These wieners were grilled then left sitting on a chair overnight, and had now been carried around by boys and men all day and well into the afternoon by the time I cut a two inch segment and tossed it on the dock next to Tucker when he asked for some bait. He picked it up with his wormy catfish hands, inspected briefly, then bit off one inch of hot dog and proceeded to shove the rest onto his hook.
Snack time, baby. Boys will not be deterred.
Do we even want to know what gross stuff your boy had shoved in his mouth?
OF COURSE WE DO!!! Please share!